After much anticipation and quite a bit of praying, we found out Monday that our new little one is going to be a boy. I was pretty convinced that we were having a girl. Bringing that desire before the Lord and pouring out my heart to Him, I felt His comfort and peace, telling me, or so I thought, that we were having a girl. We even felt like the Lord led us to a name for her. I was trusting in what I felt was confirmation from God.
To some, this might seem like such a petty thing to have a spiritual struggle over. I have even thought this even while struggling through it! But I know that my boys are called to “leave and cleave” and that it is healthy for them to no longer need me the same once they are married. I know this, pray often for that transition in our future, but also realize that this process of leaving (let’s face it; it’s a process…beginning at puberty and culminating at the wedding) will be painful. It is not the same with most girls. I still call my mom on a regular basis, asking her advice for this recipe, or that problem with the kids, or just to have someone to talk to that doesn’t mind hearing me blab on and on about my nothing stories! This is what I’m grieving. Giving up this little girl that has been in my head this whole pregnancy. I told Paul that I feel like she had to die for our son to be. That is hard. And not having someone to shop with and plan a wedding with and to be one of the primary helps with the first grandbaby. Hard.
So, needless to say, Monday was a tough day for us. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. But God is so good! I told Him I was so angry with Him. Why does this matter so much to Him that He couldn’t just give us the desire of our hearts. Why can’t one thing in our lives just come easily, like we read it out of a storybook? Just ONE THING!? And I kept hearing Him whisper to me, “You Dodos! You have NO IDEA what I have in store for you!” He also, through much conversation with Him in the last few days, has just given me a peace, even, and inkling of joy. And you know what gives me even more joy? Is that He allowed ME to learn this lesson. I love it when He speaks. I love it when He has a message for me. Oh, praise Him!
This morning, we were taught out of Job. My favorite part was at the end, and I knew it was coming, when we start reading God’s response to all of the hullaballoo that has been going on about Job’s suffering. I love this part because I think it shows that the Lord is a little sarcastic. I relate!
”Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understatnding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know!……Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.”
And I can just hear him…..”Who are you, Marisa, to question MY plan for your life? Do you know what your future holds? Do you know what I have planned for your family? Who are you to question ME?!” I love it! He is so right! Oh, I am so thankful for a God who has a plan for me and my family far above and beyond my understanding. That He knows how He is going to use this little one to carry on the gospel of Christ!
Oh, thank you Lord for doing a new thing in Paul and me. Thank you for taking the time, time and again, to teach us more about you, and not only that, but to allow us a peace and joy for this newest blessing in our lives. You are truly a good God!
LOVE THIS!!!! I’m so thankful for your “low-level suffering” because it is such a wonderful opportunity for you to grow in your faith! God permitted mild pain this past week in order to grow your soul into His. No one works like Him.
Hey sweet girl! I cried as I read this. Just remember that God chose you to be this boy’s mom. Not anyone else. Thank you for sharing your suffering and how God molded your thinking to be like His. I’m so thankful to know you.